Monday, February 21, 2011

Spring Fever

"It just makes a boy homesick to look ahead like that and see how far off summer is. Yes, and it sets him to sighing and saddening around, and there's something the matter with him, he don't know what. But anyway, he gets out by himself and mopes and thinks; and mostly he hunts for a lone-some place high up on the hill in the edge of the woods, and sets there and looks away off on the big Mississippi down there a-reaching miles and miles around the points where the timber looks smoky and dim it's so far off and still, and everything's so solemn it seems like everybody you've loved is dead and gone, and you 'most wish you was dead and gone too, and done with it all. Don't you know what that is? It's spring fever. That is what the name of it is. And when you've got it, you want -- oh, you don't quite know what it is you do want, but it just fairly makes your heart ache, you want it so!"

-M. Twain

Monday, February 7, 2011


I have *OFFICIALLY* officially moved back to Oakland, and today I begin my new job.

Last night I asked my boyfriend if he got nervous on the first day of a job, he thought about it a second and finally cheerfully resolved, "Nope!". Fantastic. He generally likes meeting new people and is good with them, and he said that being new gives you, "at least for the first month", a sort of justification for screwing-up every once in a while.

There it is. The idea of "screwing-up", justified or otherwise, makes my stomach turn. It gives me the same sensation I get before I'm about to do something profoundly unpleasant... like cleaning someone else's toilet or catching a huge bug in a tissue on the ceiling right over your head. The kinds of things that, right before you actually do them, you ask yourself, "seriously... is this *absolutely* necessary?".

Yup. The answer is yes. How atrocious.

I often wonder if my claustrophobia is at the core of my fear of failure. As if taking a risk were on par with nailing myself inside a small wooden box and waiting for the tide to come in. What a dark metaphor! Do they make an herbal tea for remedying figurative-phobias??

Phew. All melodrama and insecurity aside, the the yang in me is pretty darn delighted by the opportunities ahead. And this weather is amazing-

Wish me luck!

"The Last Meal":